Clouds' Lethal Hairdo
by T-J Yami.D
Summary: cloud buys more hair gel! Havoc breaks out. note this is SUPPOSED to make no sense chapter3- find out what vincent past occupation was, and see Cloud at his most stupid! hints of pairings see if you can spot them!
1. that gel is a health hazard!

CLOUD'S LETHAL HAIRDO-FINAL FANTASY SEVEN  
  
Cloud: look at this!  
  
(Everyone looks)  
  
Tifa: what is it this time?  
  
Cloud: it's a new hair gel! It says "make your spikes spikier!"  
  
Red XIII: more hair products? Gee, I'm not surprised if you've used up all  
our savings on 'em  
  
Cloud: ........... I'm gonna go and try it out (runs into bathroom. There is a  
lot of loud thumps and cursing. Soon cloud comes out again with bleeding  
fingers)  
  
Everyone apart from cloud: .........  
  
Cloud: uh...well it does what it says on the bottle-  
  
(Suddenly armed men run in)  
  
1st man: this is a hold-up!(points gun at Aeris)  
  
Aeris: aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!  
  
(Cloud draws sword and runs towards the group of men. As he does so he  
trips over and his hair collides with the man's chest and the man dies)  
  
Other men: quick leg it! (They run off)  
  
Cait Sith: that was um, interesting ....  
  
Sephiroth: oh my darling Aeris! Are you ok?  
  
Aeris: RIGHT, THAT'S IT! YOU ARE GONNA DIE!! CLOUD, GIMME YOU'RE SWORD!!!!  
  
(Cloud hands it over)  
  
(Aeris starts chasing Sephiroth round the room. Sephiroth crashes into  
cloud and dies)  
Aeris: cloud...you killed him...THAT WAS MY JOB!! I HATE YOU!! (Raises sword  
and tries to stab  
Cloud. He head buts Aeris and she dies)  
  
Tifa: CLOUD!! Wash that stuff out of your hair-NOW!!  
  
Cloud: no! My hair looks good like this!  
  
Tifa: o-k we're gonna have to do this the hard way-Cid, Barret, Vincent!  
  
(Cid, Barret and Vincent drag cloud into the bathroom- kicking and  
screaming his lungs out)  
  
Cloud: noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(A few minutes later cloud comes out of the bathroom, hair completely blood  
red)  
  
Tifa: let me check if you washed that stuff out ( feels cloud's head. She  
loses so much blood that she dies)  
  
Red XII: oh man  
  
Cait Sith: Yuffie is so lucky she's not here-  
  
Red XIII: hey Cloud you don't look so good .......  
  
Cloud: (points at Cait Sith) oooh look a comfy chair!  
  
Cait Sith: oh no...  
  
(Cloud sits on Cait Sith)  
  
Red XIII: all this killing must of drove him insane.....  
  
(Cait Sith dies)  
  
(Yuffie enters)  
  
Yuffie: hey evero- what's all this red stuff on the floor?  
  
(Cloud advances on red)  
  
Red XIII: it's a long story but I won't be around long enough to tell  
you...(Red XIII dies)  
  
Yuffie: cloud, what the hell is going on?!  
  
Cloud: well you are the last one guess I'll have to kill you as well (he  
laughs evilly)  
  
Yuffie: cloud don't you dare-(Yuffie dies)  
  
Cloud: (looks in mirror) mirror mirror I'm not dead  
Why the hell is my so red? 


	2. when your flying this just gets wierder

Cloud's lethal hairdo- part 2  
  
The next chappie.. Wow I did it...*Stares off into space, then gets jabbed in  
the stomach by annoying older sibling*  
  
Me: owwww! What was that for!?  
  
My older sibling: *points* never keep people waiting  
  
Me: oh... right *sticks tongue out at older sibling* I DON'T OWN FINAL  
FANTASY 7. YOU GOT THAT OLD PEOPLE?????  
Old people: yes dearie!!!  
  
Me: OKAY, ON WITH THE FICCIE!!!!!  
  
Okay, so basically Cloud missed all his little buddies soooooooo he saved  
up enough to buy some phoenix downs to revive his friends, only to get  
murdered himself- not literally. So our hair gel saga continues...  
Tifa: I have one question, who invented that gel? It's a health hazard.  
  
Everyone else: *stares at Tifa*  
  
Tifa: what?  
  
Vincent: Cloud's sword is a health hazard but we don't make a fuss about it  
  
Tifa: fine.  
  
Aeris: anyway, who did make that gel?  
  
Red XIII: *looking at bottle* SHINRA?! No way!!!!  
  
Cid: your joking.  
  
Red XIII: Do I look like some kind of joker to you?  
  
Cid: Well if you wore a jester's hat and-  
  
Red XIII: Cid! That's not the point!  
  
Cid: What is then?  
  
Red XIII: *slaps paw against forehead*  
  
Cid: *shrugs and walks off*  
  
Cloud: well anyway, we need to pay shinra a little visit... and maybe get Cid  
a brain on the way there and while we are at shinra I can buy all their  
gel!!!!  
  
Everyone: *anime fall*  
  
Barret: that wasn't the idea you %@'*$£!!! We have to kill all the gel!  
  
Cait sith: Barret, you can't kill gel  
  
Barret: shut up, you stupid cat  
  
Cait sith: I'm not stupid, I have a IQ of over 300  
  
Everyone: YOU WHAAAAAAA????!!!  
  
Tifa: anyway we need to destroy all the hair gel. I call it 'operation get  
rid of SHINRA'S evil hair gel because it is a risk to people's health-  
including cloud's'  
  
Yuffie: bit long innit?  
  
Tifa: maybe.  
  
Red XIII: Okay this is all very well but, how are we gonna get there?  
  
Aeris: chocobos! *Hugs imaginary chocobos*  
  
Vincent: In case you didn't notice- were broke  
  
Barret: what about Cid's plane? CID! START UP THE PLANE!!  
  
Cid: *slurred* sure, whatever you say Barret, my babe! *staggers over to  
the Highwind and retches into the cockpit*  
  
Barret: man, I hate it when he gets drunk *shivers*  
  
Cait sith: well, how are we gonna get to SHINRA HQ then?  
  
Cloud: *looks at Vincent*  
  
Vincent: No way! I am not doing that again, Cloud  
  
Yuffie: *latches onto Vincent's arm and puts on puppy dog eyes* Oh pwease  
Vinnie, if you don't, how are we ever going to get to SHINRA HQ? *Starts  
crying*  
  
Vincent: *sighs* oh fine, as long as you stop making that awful noise  
  
Yuffie: Yay!  
  
Vincent: now, would you be so kind as to let go of my arm *mutters* this is  
so degrading....  
  
Red XIII: hey, don't you remember what happened last ti-  
  
*Vincent transforms into chaos and starts chewing on Cloud's head- hair and  
all*  
  
Cloud: OH GOD! GETIMOFFGETIMOFFGETIMOFF!!!!!! HOLY-*insert bad words here*  
SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!! I HAVEN'T HAD MY TETANUS JAB YET!!!!  
  
Yuffie: oh Vinnie.... *pours some dog biscuits into a bowl* leave Cloudie  
alone now  
  
Vincent/Chaos: *stops chewing cloud's hair and eats the biscuits* purrrrrr  
purrrrr!  
(A/N don't ask)  
  
Yuffie: good Vinnie! * pets him* now fly us to SHINRA HQ- c'mon everybody  
(A/N how they all fit I dunno)  
  
Cloud: .......  
  
Red XIII: What's wrong cloud?  
  
Cloud: ............  
  
Cid: (now sober) hello? *Waves hand in front of cloud's face* do you thinks  
he's dead?  
  
Cait Sith: anyone at home?  
  
Cloud:...he...messed...up..m...mm..my...hair..  
  
Yuffie: so? Lets go!  
  
''So the brave heroes- *snorts* whatever! – Continue their quest as they  
fly on chaos to SHINRA HQ to stop the production of the deadly hair gel.  
But while the ff7 crew are flying on chaos they have a big job on trying to  
calm him down and stopping him from murdering chaos.....''  
  
Aeris: *points* There's SHINRA!!  
  
Tifa: no! Never (!) the neon sign is a bit of a give away!  
  
Aeris: *kicks Tifa*  
  
Tifa: *utters something that sounded like another word for a female dog*  
  
Aeris: hmph!  
  
*Chaos goes into a nosedive*  
  
Red XIII: ayeee! Stand clear-  
  
Cid: why?  
  
Red XIII: I'M GONNA PUKE!!!  
  
Everyone: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!  
  
To be continued... soon!!!!  
  
Oh yeah, and a special mention to two of my reviewers Cjp and Ryushinuki.  
Thank you so much both of you!!!! *glomps* 


	3. Hey! Reno!

CLOUD'S LETHAL HAIRDO – PART 3, OUTSIDE SHINRA HQ  
  
NOW, I MUST STRESS I AM NOT THE PRESEDENT OF SQUARESOFT SO IF DIDN'T SAY I  
DON'T OWN THIS FINAL FANTASY BUISNESS, I WOULD BE IN BIG TROUBLE WITH THE  
LAW, SO THERE WE GO I'M SAFE FROM THE LAW PEOPLE FOR NOW.  
  
On with the third instalment of c.l.h!!!  
  
Cloud: oh man, this fanfic makes me look like a right idiot!  
  
Cloud, you always look like a right idiot, If you know what I mean.  
  
Cloud: No I don't! Tell meeeeeeeee!!!!  
  
Crikey, he acts like a little kid more each day!  
  
By the way (!) is sarcasm  
  
(Cut to outside SHINRA headquarters)  
  
Cloud: please?  
  
Tifa: no  
  
Cloud: please?  
  
Tifa: nope.  
  
Cloud: just a tiny, ickle bit?  
  
Tifa: nope.  
  
Cloud: pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?  
  
Tifa: NO! You are not using the gel!  
  
Cloud: awwwwww..... (Whispers) mean old lady...  
  
Tifa: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!  
  
Cloud: nothing! (whispers) hmmmmm... is that a wrinkle I see?  
  
WHACK!  
  
Cloud: ow! Pain!  
  
Cid: Cloud if you want your hair re-styled so badly ask Vincent- he was a  
professional hairdresser and worked in a unisex hair salon till he had  
enough money to buy a gun  
  
Vincent: (nervous laugh) I don't what you're talking about cid! (Hisses)  
you are so dead!  
  
Cloud: (pictures image while rubbing his head) heheh... Unisex!  
  
Tifa: you are so immature!  
  
Cloud: (thinks hard, something quite tricky for cloud to do, like multi  
tasking) did you ever cut any hot girl's hair, or even hit on them? The  
only hot girl round here is Aeris-  
  
Tifa: (ahem!)  
  
Cloud: yep, she's about the only pretty girl round here... maybe Elena, but  
she's a turk...  
  
Tifa: (scowls)  
  
Vincent: (points gun at Cloud's head) move AWAY from the subject!  
  
Cloud: no! Not the hair! PLEASE NOT THE HAIR! (Grabs Vincent's ankles and  
start crying hysterically)  
  
Vincent: (blushes)(a~n Vincent blushing?) fine, can you get off my feet,  
you're cutting off the blood circulating to them  
  
Red XIII: hey, are we actually gonna go in or what? We're getting some  
funny looks.  
  
Cait Sith: whoah! Hold your chocobos Red!  
  
Red: I don't have any.  
  
Cait Sith: (sighs) figure of speech  
  
Red XIII: oh  
  
Aeris: wait a minute, won't we be seen going inside?  
  
Tifa: No (!) we're invisible!  
  
Aeris: (sticks out tongue)  
  
Tifa: (sticks nose in the air)  
  
Yuffie: so how are we gonna get in without being seen?  
  
Cloud: hmmmmm... (Looks sideways at a rack of SHINRA uniforms guarded by a  
couple of SHINRA troops)  
  
Tifa: (follows Cloud's gaze) Cloud, I think that is one of the smartest  
things you've ever come up with!  
  
Cloud: I know. Let me handle it!  
  
Cid: you sure?  
  
Cloud: yes! CHAAAAAAAAAAAARGE! (Runs over to the rack and pushes it over,  
squashing the guards. A door is revealed)  
  
Tifa: I think I was wrong  
  
Barret: whoooo! Lets go!  
  
Everyone: o.O?  
  
Cloud: have you been drinking?  
  
Barret: (raises gun arm) and what if I have?  
  
Cloud: (gulps) no reason!  
  
(Cut to inside SHINRA headquarters, there is a very big flight of stairs as  
those of you who have played the game may recall...)  
  
Yuffie: oh god... please tell me there's an elevator...  
  
Red XIII: I can't even see the top...  
  
Cloud: no you guys, you're looking at the wrong one (points to an even  
bigger staircase)  
  
Vincent: I'll climb those stairs when I go to hell  
  
Cid: isn't that quite likely though?  
  
Vincent: shut up  
  
Cait Sith: I'm a toy! I'm designed for entertaining kids, not climbing  
stairs!  
  
Cid: I'm getting too old for this  
  
Barret: me too  
  
Red XIII: I have four legs, I can't climb stairs!  
  
Aeris: I'm wearing a dress  
  
Tifa: I'm wearing a skirt and I don't want Cid looking up it  
  
Cid: (nervous laugh) as if I'd do a thing like that!  
  
Yuffie: well..i..um..i..er..i have a...rare stair climbing condition! Yeah!  
That's it!  
  
Cloud: well, I'm going, really I am! (runs back down the stairs) I'm  
scared! Can you come with me?  
  
Everyone: ^_^ ;; fine!  
  
Cloud: yay!  
  
(An hour later, everyone is sprawled at the top of the staircase gasping  
for air like fish out of water- (people stare) me- what? Ok fine it was a  
bad simile ive learnt my lesson! Never use similes in a play script!)  
  
Cloud: oh look! There was an elevator after all!  
  
Everyone: Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!  
  
Cloud: oh well!  
  
(Reno walks past a~n you remember Reno don't you?)  
  
Reno: well, well, well! If it isn't-  
  
Cloud: (headlocks Reno ands stuffs his hair in his mouth) tell us where the  
hair gel is red head! Hey that rhymes!  
  
(Reno makes muffled sounds)  
  
Aeris: Cloud, I don't think he can talk with his hair stuffed in his mouth  
  
Cloud: fine (un-clogs Reno's mouth)  
  
Reno: what gel? Anyway you ruined my hair!  
  
Tifa: you know what gel I'm talking about, buddy (raises fists)  
  
Reno: no I don't  
  
Vincent: (raises gun)  
  
Reno: ok! Ok! Its just, well sometimes we run a little low on money and  
well sometimes we have some leftover mako energy and well....  
  
Red XIII: you put mako energy in it?!  
  
Reno: um...yeah  
  
Vincent: where d'you keep it? (Gun still raised)  
  
Reno: f..fifth floor on the left  
  
Vincent: right.  
  
BANG!  
  
Tifa: oh my god! You shot him! Is he dead?!  
  
Vincent: hey you don't think I really keep bullets in here do you?  
  
(Everyone nods)  
  
Vincent: they're only tranquillisers!  
  
Everyone: (sigh)  
  
Aeris: how long will he be out for?  
  
Vincent: 'bout 3 hours  
  
Cait Sith: good good, lets go find the fifth floor!  
  
Cloud: yeah! (Does over dramatic pose)  
  
Everyone: ^-^;;  
  
WELL, WILL THE FINAL FANTASY CREW EVER FIND THE FIFTH FLOOR, WILL RENO COME  
ROUND AND TELL RUFUS? AND WILL CLOUD FIND HIS COMMON SENSE? FIND OUT ON THE  
NEXT CHAPTER OF CLOUD'S LETHAL HAIRDO!  
  
(man I need a coffee...) 


End file.
